The first of many...

he said...
10/03/2009

Two weeks until we set off on a year long adventure. Last night we celebrated our going away as well as my 31st birthday. The anti-climatic nature of a meaningless age was superseded by a very bitter sweet goodbye. Painful though it can be, it was so great to see so many great people gathered to help us take the leap into the unknown. Too many milestones at once overwhelm me. I am filled with many different emotions that get in each others way as they fight for my mind.
I am predictably excited...excited for a new place, excited for a different view, and excited to grow into the next stage of my life. After the excitement recedes some form of fear will begin its insidious creep. It lacks focus but needs none to reap its damages. Unfocused, anxious...these are the marks left shortly behind. I know when these take hold there is some underlying fear that I’m struggling with. That’s how I feel now. I try to avoid these thoughts as they are generally non-productive but it does seem the things I work hardest to keep out are the easiest to access and fall back upon. How will we get along? Am I doing this for the right reasons? Will money be an issue? The reassuring side of my being quickly and unhesitatingly affirms “It will all be fine, it will all work out”. But this is only said until it doesn’t work out. This part I hasten to move past because again it does nothing.
I can’t wait to adjust to a new pace of life. Wether due to exploring a new country, a change in occupation (or lack there of), or some still unidentified direction that will guide us, I anxiously await this fateful turn. I have such strong urge to escape my “routine”. Even those of us who say we hate routine still relish in our own supposed lack; even if they amount to repetitive behaviors to escape a routine. Change a job, go on a trip. I want to make sure these are steps in a positive direction and not just a new one. At what point will I feel ready to “settle down”? Does this have to be something I dread? Do I have to become less interesting/interested as part of this process? The part of me that is so committed to apathy or laziness wonders if doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing. Maybe instead of avoiding routine, it’s more about searching for inspiration.